Getting Your Sexy Back
Author: NMO Member & Mommy of 2 year old Tyler with baby #2 on the way
When I look back at the first 2 years of my sons life, I can’t help but reflect on how much my relationship has changed with my husband. When making the choice to write about our sex life, I thought it was only fair to get a man’s perspective as well. I now realize that our sexual roadblocks started while I was still pregnant. My husband was terrified that he was going to hurt the baby or that he would poke him with his penis! It sounds naïve, but these are very common fears for men. The lack of physical affection in turn made me feel less attractive and from there the physical aspect of our relationship was compromised for some time. In my own marriage, the roadblocks that we faced after having a baby were the same as while I was pregnant..both physical and emotional.
Now, I’m not gonna lie, after Tyler was born and my doctor looked at my hubby and me and told us “no sex for 6 weeks”, I was partly ecstatic and partly pissed…he can’t stretch that to 8 weeks? Why did he say it in front of my husband? I could have made up a different number and he would have believed me! My body was just ripped apart and I have a baby attached to me ALL the time! Meanwhile, my husband (who barely remembers birthdays) has already slapped a big red X on the calendar.
When the time came for us to have sex again a dear friend gave me the best advice….lots of lube! Now I had never been one to load up on that before so it was a bit awkward, but I soon learned that it was going to be a necessary component for a little while. 6 weeks is the minimum, but as most of us know, it still takes a bit longer before things return to normal down there! Since I was still trying to master the art of breastfeeding along with learning how to deal with the fact that my life, was no longer my own (I had 30 years of pure selfish joy and was now facing the harsh reality that happy hour with the girls or a pedicure alone were not going to happen without major logistics taking place)….needless to say, I wasn’t quite “in the mood”.
What I didn’t know is that my husband was going through the motions himself. He later told me that he was going through his own transition. It was hard for him to watch his wife fall in love with someone else, plus since I was breastfeeding, he didn’t really know how to bond with his child. He also mentioned that when it came to the “milk bags” as he so eloquently calls them, he didn’t think they belonged to him anymore. They were meant for feedings only…which was a bit of a challenge for him to overcome because they were huge! Needless to say, we didn’t have sex that much anymore because neither one of us was all that into it.
By the time our son was 4 months old, our relationship was suffering. We were arguing more and not all that eager to be around each other too much. Sex was definitely not happening because it was still just too painful, but I knew that something had to change or we were gonna be in trouble…enter Oprah..yes…I said Oprah. Since most of my days were spent on the couch with my shirt off and a child attached to me, I turned to boob tube (sorry, I couldn’t help the pun) . It just so happens that Oprah was having a show on sex. I decided to watch and learned very quickly that in order to want sex, women needed to feel intimate with their partners on an emotional level, HOWEVER, in order to be emotionally available, men needed their physical needs met first (surprise, surprise)!
Well the stubborn part of me was thinking hell no! The logical part of me on the other hand decided that I had to give it a shot. One of the suggestions was to schedule sex with your partner so that you both had something to look forward to that day. When I told my husband about this, he thought it was absurd…I however, thought I would try it anyway. I went ahead and started adding sex into our weekly calendar, but didn’t tell my hubby. All of a sudden everything started to improve. We were both getting what we needed. He was getting what he thought was totally spontaneous sex and I was getting my husband (and my sex drive) back. After a few weeks, I stopped putting sex on the schedule. My husband was truly opening up to me now and communicating what he couldn’t before. Feeling close to him then made me desire him sexually again. Now I know if we ever get off track that I need to be the one to initiate a physical act…but once I do…he’s putty in my hands.
You may read that line and think “Are you kidding me?” If you have doubts, the next time you put your little one down for a nap, strip naked, walk over to your husband and tell him he has 30 seconds to meet you in the bedroom or else he’s missed his opportunity…I guarantee he’ll not only get there before you, but that night he’ll be giving the baby a bath and doing all the housework while you go out with the girls! In all fairness, now that our lives are back on track, we enjoy each others company more and I can honestly say that our sex life is even better than it was before we had a child.