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Suck It! The REAL Way to Prep for Breastfeeding

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Suck It! The REAL Way to Prep for Breastfeeding

Forget that old advice about “gently rubbing your nipples with a towel.” If you really want to feel ready to nurse, here’s what to do.

By Melissa Balmain, Parenting.com

Day 1
Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.

Day 2
At bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped by a pair of chip clips.

Day 3
Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing “I Feel Pretty.”

Day 4
Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.

Day 5
Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on “medium pile.” Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.

Day 6
Obtain “DO NOT CROSS” tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, “Get used to it.”

Day 7
Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.

Day 8
Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.

Day 9
Record your mother proclaiming, “Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she’ll sleep right through the night.” Play in an endless loop at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m.

Day 10
Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed and stand very still in your backyard.

Day 11
Go someplace public — a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building — and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll’s arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.

Day 12
Suckle a wolverine.

Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.

Melissa Balmain, a freelance writer living in Blacksburg, Virginia, is a two-baby nursing veteran.

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  1. cjncollins says:

    Hilarious!! Very funny – and sadly so true.

    But it is still one of the most amazingly bonding moments of motherhood for me. The actual nursing that is, not any of the above : )

  2. You should send this to hospitals so they can publish it in the nice little pamphlets they give new moms as they leave the hospital. ;)

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